Sunday, November 25, 2012

The One in Which I Demonstrate My Powers of Justification

I realize that my personal blog has mutated into a blog about books. Perhaps, you think, perhaps this blog is no longer what it says on the tin: the (disjointed) tale of a person in progress. In my defense, a lot of my life revolves around books: I'm an avid reader, graduated with an English degree, work in publishing, and continue to be a determined writer/self-editor.

So there. (This is usually where I stick out my tongue in a most mature fashion.)

I've finished Castle Waiting all too soon--however, the second collected volume isn't out until the spring, so I've had to move on.


I decided to stick with the sci-fi/fantasy genre. My dad bought me the Earthsea quartet from a bookstore in downtown Stuttgart, Germany, and I've been slogging through it. Thanks to my flights home for Thanksgiving, accompanied by the usual delays and layovers, I finished it today. I'm glad I had all four--I'm not sure if I would've continued after the first book. Or the second. Or even the third. I didn't dislike them, but there was something that just kept me on the precipice of enjoyment.

As I had over an hour left before my flight for Michigan, it was a good thing indeed that I had a spare book in my bags. Okay, so maybe I had three... You see, I went shopping on what I now like to call Procrastinator's Saturday--taking advantage of all the leftovers of the more dedicated Black Friday shoppers. Being me, I didn't walk away with a fabulous outfit or some steal on a purse.

No, that would be what normal people do. Instead, I bought a pair of slippers (of a kind I've been contemplating for not days, weeks, or months, but actual years. Yes, I've thought about buying this particular style of slippers for 3+ years), a pair of work shoes (fun, yet capable of hiding an extra pair of socks), and books. Two of them, to be precise.

So, after I finished Tehanu, I exchanged it for Going Postal by Terry Pratchett. I've been circling this author for years (why do some of my life decisions take so long?), but have been rather intimidated by the sheer amount of books he's written. So, upon a trip to Barnes & Noble, I decided to dip my toes into Discworld and bought two of his books. Considering that I practically finished Going Postal over the course of the layover and flight, I think I'm enjoying the experiment.

What was the third book, you ask? An example of poor addition? No, as I also went attic shopping. I, with the permission of my mother, brought home one of her three copies of Moby Dick (she had a hard time finding a copy where the text wasn't microscopic in size).

And, to enable my other addiction, the one of the caffeinated nature, I also walked away with two boxes of Pocket Coffees and a milk foamer, once used by my father, to make my very own cappuccinos. I already have a stove top espresso maker and some Italian espresso, so now I can make honest-to-goodness cappuccinos. I don't know when I'll have the time to try it on my own for the first time, but it will be as soon as possible.

So yes, I'm enabling my vices. But in the grand scheme of things, I think I'm much more pleasant for it.

Monday, October 22, 2012

And the Next Contender Is...?



I did it. I finished The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, heart only somewhat intact. I've already intimated that my reluctance to read this book was entirely unfounded, and my opinion hasn't changed. I was an idiot to wait this long to enter the world of Liesel, Rudy, Max, and, of course, Death.

The Book Thief is also a reminder that there is no need to pander to children and young adults.

And so a fad spawns a rather specific genre.
Yes, the subject matter of The Book Thief is dark. But kids know life is dark. Even if their griefs can be comparatively small, their emotions and their tears are quite real. And as they grow, they are introduced to more and more of the world's darkness through the heartbreaks of personal experience--or they can just turn on the news.

I just look at one of the books that has stuck in my ribcage since childhood: The Giver by Lois Lowry. That incredibly talented woman didn't shy away from the difficult issues of the false utopia she created, and Jonas' story remains as influential and controversial as it was 18 years ago. What about The Hunger Games? Harry Potter? It's obvious that kids, "tweens," and teenagers aren't afraid of encountering adversity in theirs books--on the contrary, they crave stories in which their peers overcome it.

Not only does The Book Thief refrain from pandering to a too-oft underestimated age group in subject matter, but Zusak has also produced an incredibly well-written book. Death's POV is cynical, humorous, gentle, insightful, and always poignant. Even when told by an inhuman narrator, the story never loses its humanity.

Which is probably why I loved the book. I'm a sucker for well-written characters. I connect with them. I bond with them. They become my friends. (Yes, I'm that kind of reader.) I finished the book while on my afternoon break.

And I exhaled. I had no words, just breath hissing through my teeth.

Thankfully, I wasn't required to converse with anyone until I had somewhat recovered.
My time in the world of The Book Thief is over. It was a heavy book. Beautiful, but heavy, as were the two books that preceded it on The List (The Satanic Verses and The Life of Pi.) It's time for a change. So I took a second look at The List, and did a quick estimation of my emotional stability at this point in time.

It's time for some fun. So I decided to pick my wild card: Castle Waiting, a comic series by Linda Medley. The same friend who recommended it to me also told me that I can read the series in installments--maybe, once I recover from the emotional turmoil of my previous choices, I'll mix in a more serious book. So we'll see.

With a heavier heart and a richer life, I leave you with the moral of the story: read The Book Thief.

Friday, October 19, 2012

The List

So in a recent-ish post, I talked about life on the reading list. It keeps getting longer and longer--having wonderfully avid readers for friends and family means I keep getting recommendations. And, yes, I pay attention to them. And, yes, I have a habit of buying myself books. In the grand scheme of things, books are a cheap vice. Especially when one buys them used on Amazon, works in a publishing company, and has a library card. Or when one goes to a used book sale and walks away with 15 books (only 3 of them previously read) for $14...

It was a proud moment.

But, awhile back, as I waited rather impatiently for the arrival of yet another book, I realized that I should probably take stock of the books I own and have not yet read. And, for the reasons stated above, the number was hefty.

Hi, my name is Alicia, and I have a problem. 

To be honest, I'm not actually concerned with the number of books that I own--I think the Beast's gift to Belle of his library is the epitome of love, and it's a gift that I've always wanted for myself. But I'm not waiting for a fairy tale to get that library when I can read one from my very own leather-bound copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales (true story). To me, every book I buy is an investment in my happiness.

So, the list--how does it work? To get myself started, I used one of those ubiquitous "100 Books Everybody Should Read" lists--I think this particular one is either from The Guardian or the BBC. That helped (and still helped) me cover the classics, as well as a few popular novels I might have ignored. (Which is why The Time Traveler's Wife and Cold Mountain were two books I picked up at the used book sale.)

Then I mix in classics of the sci-fi/fantasy genre that I feel I need to read. In Yokosuka, when I first started reading fantasy, the book selection wasn't great. And then, due to my struggling with my preference for fantasy in high school, I've actually missed out on a lot of the "greats," filling my bookshelf with good, but rather not well-known, books and series instead.

On top of all that, I add in books that have been recommended to me, just look interesting, or suit whatever my current whimsy is. The result is a bit of a hodgepodge, but I feel like the miscellany of it all keeps my interest in reading fresh--I never weigh myself down by reading too many books of the genre in a row. I also try to keep it as fluid as possible, giving myself options within genre, so I don't ever feel like I "have" to read something, because that only stirs the adolescent rebellion and stubbornness in me. (Similar reasoning wisely prevents me from dieting.) The list ends up looking something like this:

The Current List:
1. Currently reading: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
2. YA Novels: either What Came from the Stars by (the world famous author) Gary Schmidt or Looking for Alaska by John Green
3. Classic: either 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne or Evelina by Frances Burney
4. Sci-Fi/Fantasy "Classic:" either The Dark Tower by Stephen King or The Earthsea Quartet by Ursula K. LeGuin
5. Literary: either Alif the Unseen by G. Willow Wilson or On Beauty by Zadie Smith
6. Wild cards: Castle Waiting (a collection of a comic book series recommended to me by a friend) by Linda Medley, The Silmarillion by J.R.R. Tolkien (which I abandoned half-finished a year ago due to lack of time) or Lifespan of a Fact (a fascinating book on the construction of a "nonfiction" essay) by John D'Agata and Jim Fingal

Of course, this could all change on a whim or upon discovery of a new book. But this keeps me (somewhat) focused and the actual list to a (somewhat) manageable appearance.

Shattering My Own Illusions, Or A Hobby

If you've read my review of Jim the Boy, you'll know that I unintentionally approach books with preconceptions...which are often quickly revealed to be grave misconceptions. I know, I know, my fallibility is astounding. And the presumptuousness of my innate need to interpret texts! How daring.

What I probably shouldn't admit is just how often my misconceptions about books are revealed even as they shatter. Over the past month or so, I've read two books and started another, all of which have challenged my preconceived notions of what is what. So it's been on my mind. A lot.

The first book is The Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I remember my mom reading it and my brother reading it, and they both enjoyed it. I don't know why I resisted their recommendations and translated their feelings into "Ugh. No thanks." Maybe it was just my bad attitude talking. Maybe it's because I was still bitter about being forced to read 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, both of which I despised on first encounter. (I've since revised my opinion on 100 Years of Solitude. Wuthering Heights not so much.) Whatever the reason, the "Ugh. No thanks." response lasted until a few weeks ago.

Then I read it. And I found depth tempered by absurdity (I don't know why I was so surprised--the basic concept in itself is wonderfully ridiculous). And, of course, there was the mindf*** of an ending. (I apologize for the crudeness of that highly technical term.) I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a huge fan of high-brow-ish literature (short attention span and an impatience with self-aggrandizement), but I enjoyed Life of Pi. So much so, it finally pushed me to climb a literary mountains I've put off reading for over a year.

That mountains was the second book--The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. I'll preen my feathers a bit here: I enjoyed Midnight's Children, and Haroun and the Sea of Stories is one of my favorite books. So I guess I can say I like Rushdie's work. But I knew that The Satanic Verses wasn't going to be on par with my previous experiences with him--even people who like his work warned me that they didn't enjoy this particular book. So I had no preconception that I was going to love it, but that's not why I wanted to read it. Actually, it's been on my list out of sheer curiosity--I wanted to see what the fuss (intentional understatement) was all about.

I already knew Rushdie to be an outspoken critic of Islam, but, to be honest, prejudice inclined me to expect it blown out of proportion. And I'm sorry for that. Do I think it deserved the fatwa, the call for his death? Absolutely not. But did I find his depiction of Muhammad and Islam offensive and disrespectful? Yes--it even felt almost catty at times. I understand the chip in Rushdie's shoulder, but I also understand the outrage his work caused, though I think extremists took their reactions way too far. But don't Christian fundamentalists do the same thing? Every natural disaster is followed by *someone* (I don't think I have to name names here) blaming tragedy on a people group they don't agree with.

To cut off any commentary before it starts: to my knowledge, I don't think any Christian leader has called for someone's death in response to a piece of art in recent-ish times. But before we get all self-congratulatory, remember that the afore-not-mentioned person, as well as many other prominent Christian leaders, only fuel the divisiveness, hatred, and bigotry that has stained and continues to stain the Church.

Now where was I? Ah, yes, The Satanic Verses. Now I feel like I can bring at least a slightly more nuanced understanding to the topic, my curiosity is satisfied, and another misconception has met its rightful end.

The book that has my current attention is The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Like Life of Pi, it was recommended to me by several knowledgeable and trustworthy parties, but I avoided it. Unlike Life of Pi, however, I know exactly why I've said "No thanks" up until now. You see, the cynic in me is wary of books focusing on enormous tragedies and horrors of human history, particularly the Holocaust. As someone who's studied the history through texts and photographs and wandered horror-struck through a concentration camp, I shudder at the thought of this atrocity (words really can't convey the enormity of it) being forgotten. And powerful, beautiful art has arisen from the need to remember it, to bring it to life for generations to follow--I was particularly touched by Trial of God by Elie Wiesel, a fictionalized account of a trial of God conducted in a Jewish ghetto. But I also think that there is too much temptation to exploit horror for plot. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid and protective of a history that isn't mine to tell, but I also can't shake the feeling that there's a truth in that suspicion. After all, we slow down to look at car accidents, even though a better part of us tells us not to.

I haven't finished the book yet, so I'll withhold my final judgment of The Book Thief (and no spoiler alerts, please!). But so far (300+ pages in), it's different. It's special.

These misconceptions are part of the reason that I assign myself reading list. I never want to stop expanding my comfort zone, in life and in my bookshelf.

Of course, I have no problem expanding my book collection. Ah, the list grows ever on and on, down from the shelf where it began... Extra awesome points if you get the reference.

One Girl's Descent into Magical Realism

Maybe if I was one of those manic pixie dream girls with clothes from Goodwill and an interest in obscure socio-political issues, this geek girl blog thing would be a cinch.

Not pictured: Me
Too bad my inability to take myself seriously, impatience with actual shopping, and aversion to organized ideology (my faith excepted...most of the time) kinda prevents me from descending into that exhausting stereotype. And oddball curvy cynic girls don't have a market yet. Damn. But with this whole geek-chic phenomena, I had to ask myself: am I really a geek?

The other day, a coworker asked me why I like Lord of the Rings. That should be an easy question for me--practically rhetorical. It is, after all, pretty much the foundation of my geekdom.

But I had no answer for her. At least, not right away.

My (over)fondness for Lord of the Rings is assumed, so embedded in my identity that it's probably (actually) frightening. But why? What set it apart from the thousands of other books I've read (and reread) and the hundreds of other movies I've watched (and rewatched)?

These questions took me into the often not-so-fun territory of Introspection Land. I'm a semi-permanent resident, but with these questions, I was heading directly into the territory I try to avoid as much as possible. But I had to know.

Lord of the Rings first entered my life when I was five, and transitioning from the sweet girl of yesteryear to the absolute terror I still am today. (This is no exaggeration--just ask my mother.) My uncle Mark gave my brother a boxed set of the trilogy and The Hobbit--editions we still own today (what a great gift!). I tried reading The Hobbit a year or two later. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the Pentagon, paperback in hand. But, even as a precocious six- or seven-year-old, I didn't get through it. It went back to the shelf, half unread.

Fast forward four-ish years and across three continents. At this point in the story, I was a brash-yet-timid middle schooler, suddenly unsure of myself as my elementary school popularity disappeared in a new school in a new country. Over the next three years, I would develop adolescent insecurities into full-blown anxiety, holding myself to impossible moral, physical, and social ideals, and then castigating myself for my inevitably continual failures. It's a pattern I still have yet to escape.

I know what you're thinking: How is this not the pinnacle of physical perfection?

Now that's a pretty bleak picture. It's taken me years to fully appreciate the lasting impact those years have had on my identity. But I realized, as I contemplated Lord of the Rings, that I have dwelt almost exclusively on the negatives. And that isn't fair. It isn't fair to the people and places and things that have given me joy. And it isn't fair to me to dwell in the dark places--it just keeps me in the aforementioned self-destructive pattern.

Lord of the Rings is, without a doubt, a thing that has given me joy. The books and movies provide an escape for my heartsick soul--I still watch parts of the movies and listen to the soundtracks when I'm upset. But the it's so much more than that--they also represent unbelievably bright spots in my adolescences and (now, I guess) adulthood.

For me, Lord of the Rings represents my community. My two greatest friends--I'll call them S and C--in middle school (who are now awesome women) were also Lord of the Rings fans. I spent many lunches in a teacher's classroom playing LotR Trivial Pursuit with S. C and I howled over the badly translated subtitles of her The Two Towers DVD. I stood in line for hours with my brother and other friends to catch the belated premiere of Return of the King at the Benny Decker Theater. One of my favorite nights with my dad in middle school involved pizza dinner, followed by him purchasing me the soundtrack for The Two Towers. To this day, my mom and I skip chick flicks and watch the extended editions when I'm home for the holidays. During my sophomore year in college, my girlfriends and I bonded with a group of guys (one of them a YMS alum) over a Lord of the Rings marathon, a bond that was sealed by two years of living in the same apartment building and a beautiful wedding this past summer.

Lord of the Rings also represents a new world that was opened to me in middle school--the genre of fantasy. Lord of the Rings and David Eddings' Polgara the Sorceress (a joy first introduced to me by the aforementioned joy, my friend S) and their worlds got under my skin. My love for fantasy was born. By the time I left Yokosuka, I had even begun to write my own work.

Of course, my love of reading, writing, and watching fantasy hasn't always made things easy for me. In high school, it set me apart (compounding my non-Southern background). I was stifled and challenged for it in that conservative environment. I wrestled with that love, and many other things, emerging spiritually exhausted. During that time, Lord of the Rings was hope for me as a Christian writer of fantasy (not a writer of Christian fantasy--big difference). See! I told myself. It can happen. Christianity can produce fantastical culture, instead of running away from it. (Disclaimer: I love The Chronicles of Narnia, yes, but Lewis' creative allegory just didn't have quite the same effect on me.)

So I stuck with it. And I've written a complete, not-terrible fantasy novel, something I'm so unbelievably proud of. Fantasy has become my passion, vocation, and creative joy. God has given me this love, and time after time, He uses it to pull me out of the dark places of my life. It's not something I would've chosen for myself at age eleven--but He gave it to me anyway.

Now, ten or so years after middle school, I'm still brash-yet-timid. I still struggle with anxiety. I like hard rock, hot coffee, dark chocolate, and I own more t-shirts than I need. So no, I'm not a manic pixie dream girl. I'm not sure if I am anyone's dream girl.

But I am a geek. And, to be honest, I don't know where I'd be without that part of myself. So, for now, I'll rejoice that being a geek is somewhat socially acceptable. I don't know how long that bubble will last, but when it bursts, I'll still be there. Quoting Lord of the Rings.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Life on the Reading List

Well...erm...hello again. It's been a while. No excuses, so I'll just get started.

I've been settling into work. Getting to know the business side of the publishing industry has been eye-opening. My job involves (almost) everyone: editors, authors, agents, publicists, salespeople... It takes a village to raise a manuscript.

Speaking of which, mine is moving along. I've started Book 2. I've got material for the first 2-3 chapters that just needs to be typed up and arranged. In my forays back into Book 1 to keep everything consistent, I came up with some plans for Book 1. Editing is a process that I'm actually looking forward to. I've decided on some plot points that I hadn't 100% figured out when I first wrote it, and I'm looking forward to cleaning up all of the smudgy bits of the narrative. Admittedly, at least one of those points is actually a rather major decision. It's not particularly major for Book 1, but it will require the addition of minor foreshadowing.

I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes that I'm actually kind of excited about it. And I'm sure that in a few months, when I'm bogged down in the process, I'll be rolling my eyes at me too. But I'll allow myself some measure of optimism, as it's not exactly my most notable quality.

But there is cause for celebration in the family: my fellow sharer of the parental unit's DNA, Ben, has also graduated. He is now an alumnus of the University of Georgia, so last weekend was a whirlwind trip down to Athens to witness the grand occasion. It was amazing to see the well-deserved culmination of a long journey. I may have beat him to the first degree, but I'm sure his glorious future in academia isn't over yet.

Wait for me!


We got really good at getting our pictures taken. Good thing we're all ridiculously photogenic.
Other than that, life has been pretty quiet. I finished Vanity Fair, which was actually quite funny. Not sure what my next literary classic is going to be. In the meantime, I'm reading a fantasy classic--the first book in The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I also just checked out V for Vendetta from the library with my brand new library card. And, of course, there's the growing queue of books I've bought lately: Evelina, Alif the Unseen, Lifespan of a Fact, and many more. As for the Bard Project, it's moving. I finished Taming of the Shrew a while ago, and I started The Merry Wives of Windsor last week.

So that's my life. Quiet, yet full of words.

And, if this post is time stamped and you're curious about the late/early hour, I'm up because I decided to do some late-night baking. Hey? Why not? I'm an adult with no homework. I can pull stunts like that now. So I made some chocolate chip cookie bars; tomorrow, I plan on baking some bread. And maybe do some of the housework I've fallen behind on. Oops. So now it's time to crash.

Later!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Bard Project

Now that I've graduated, my education must be entirely self-sustained. One must never stop learning, vraiment?

Thankfully for me, the installation of some of my self-discipline in this regard began three summers ago. Actually, no, it really set in the spring semester of 2009. It was my second semester of college, and I was taking my first English class at Calvin. I had taken English classes at UGA, and felt confident in my ability to do well at a university level. But on my first day of English 215, a Survey of British Literature, I began to feel my lack.

"Lack of what?" you might ask. "You seem so cosmopolitan, full of social graces and witticisms beyond measure."

Ah, the illusions with which I entertain myself.

Humor (mostly) aside, I felt my lack of AP courses. I went to a tiny, private high school, which boasted a grand total of 400-500 students K-12. I wore an ugly khaki kilt that liked to kick up its hem at the slightest provocation (unlike Marilyn Monroe, I found great comfort and modesty in a protective pair of bike shorts), a thick polo impervious to any stain (as I discovered by promptly having a nosebleed all over my white one freshman year), and knee-high socks that left textured rings just under my knees every weekday afternoon. I left this tiny school with great friends and an assortment of interesting stories destined to entertain the curious Yankees of my college years.

But I did not leave with AP experience. I won't lie and say I didn't care about the credits; it would've made my life a lot easier. But what really galled me was my lack of reading experience.

"Heavens no!" you interject. "How can this be?"

You see, English education wasn't the highest priority in my high school. Some of my required reading? The Trial (the Christian murder mystery by Robert Whitlow, not the existential meltdown of Franz Kafka), The Old Man and the Sea (since it was read to me in the fifth grade, I exchanged it for A Farewell to Arms), The Last Sin Eater, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Last of the Mohicans, and The Scarlet Letter. Aside from some poetry and a heckuva lot of Edgar Allan Poe, I'm 90% sure that these seven texts comprised the entirety of three years of my high school education in literature.

Five books and two plays. Many of my classmates didn't even bother. Why should they? When our teacher told us to read Spark Notes so we could better to follow the plot of The Last of the Mohicans, most of the class didn't even read those! I got to sit through the lecture, wanting to tear my hair out, as people around me rolled their eyes. But now, I can be honest with myself: this was the same teacher who was making 17-year-olds build dioramas. For an English class. I'll let that sink in.

Has it sunk?

So my junior year, I took the SAT's and applied to the University of Georgia for joint-enrollment. I didn't feel out of place or less well-read in my introductory courses. In fact, I thrived in the setting, rising to the challenge. Most of my classmates had no idea I was 17.

When I went to college as a regular college student, however, I had to have actual, out-of-class conversations with other college students. (Shocker, I know.) Well-read college students with oodles of AP credit. And then professors, used to these kinds of students by now, would throw away comments such as, "We won't be doing Hamlet, because everybody's read that one."

No. Everyone has NOT read that one. But how could I say anything? I didn't need anyone's pity. My education wasn't the same as theirs, but I was (and still am, as a matter of fact) far from stupid.

So the summer after freshman year, I resolved to change my stars, as it were. I began giving myself a few texts every summer, classics I felt that I should read. That first summer, I read Anna Karenina and Gandhi's autobiography. The next summer, I read War and Peace, A Tale of Two Cities, and Crime and Punishment. The summer after that, I tackled Les Miserables and Tess of D'Urbervilles. It made me feel less self-conscious in the classroom, and it began instilling the discipline necessary to be a self-taught student.

When I graduated, I gave myself time off, as I have always done in the beginning of the summer. After a few light reads, however, I knew it was time to get back in the game. After all, I've had Vanity Fair sitting on my shelf for a year, and I want to move on to Brothers Karamazov. But I also knew that it wasn't enough. I needed something more. Something different. A new discipline for my new life. Then the Hamlet incident came to mind, as such humiliating moments are wont to do.

And then the Bard Project was born. What a build-up, huh?

The reconstructed Globe. I promise, this post wasn't just an excuse to look at pictures from my time in England.

His wife's cottage in Stratford-upon-Avon, now surrounded by roses.
So what is the Bard Project?

It's quite simple. I'm trying to read one of Shakespeare's plays every week or two. I began, appropriately, with Hamlet, finally assaulting the ivory bulwark that had impeded my literary progress for so long. I've since read Macbeth and The Merchant of Venice as well. It's not easy; with my schedule, getting through an act can be a battle with rapidly closing eyelids. But I love the power I feel, reading his lines. I love that, for the first time in my life, I can share in a literary context that transcends centuries.

I don't know when the project is going to end. I'm not sure if I want to read all of his plays, or if I want to venture into his poetry, but I know that, for now, the Bard Project is keeping me in my rightful place: in a desk chair, forever a student.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Living Up to the Name

When I began this blog a year and a half ago, it was an experiment. I thought long and hard about what the "theme" of the blog was going to be. I knew from the experience of friends that I didn't want to pigeonhole myself into one facet of my life or another, only to lose inspiration or interest. I rarely have moments of foresight; sometimes I wish they occurred more often with happenstances of greater importance. In this case, as exampled by the sporadic nature of my posts as it is, the choice for my blog to remain more general was an intelligent one.

With the specifics removed from the table (food, school, writing, travel, etc.), I wondered how I was going to focus this blog, or if I even could. Then it hit me: all of my life, I've been striving to be better. Whether it's faith, relationships, writing, food, or fitness, I've wanted to be a different me. I've always wanted a reflection that doesn't disappoint reality.

So I named myself Person in Progress, and I eventually chose a photo I took of a cathedral in Cork, Ireland. I've probably written it before, but the fighting of monsters seemed the appropriate metaphor. And as the months have passed, the theme of the blog has remained appropriate, but not so much as in the last two.

I graduated from college. After four years of work and adventures, I finally achieved that milestone. I didn't have to walk across a stage, for which I, and all the other high-heels wearing gals, was profoundly grateful. But I shook hands, received my placeholder "diploma," and went back out into the sunshine for photos with friends and professors and a celebration dinner with the family who came to see it. I wish I had some of those photos. When I go to Georgia for my brother's graduation in August, I will pester my father for them.

I am living in a house with friends. A duplex, really, but created from a house so large we only feel the division when our neighbors are particularly boisterous. So I pay bills now. I have to keep up with the cobwebs.

And I have a job! On graduation day, at the Senior Breakfast, someone said something along the lines of "92% of Calvin graduates either have a job or are attending graduate school within six months of graduation." Me, being an English major frustrated with the job search process, snarked "Well, I'm the 8%." God has a funny way of making my sarcasm come back to bite me. In this case, that was a good thing. So now I have a full time position with Baker Publishing Group. I have (or will have soon) benefits. I get a paycheck. I have coworkers, all of whom have been wonderful so far. And now, as the craziness begins to settle down, I'm even considering a gym membership.

So I've progressed from one stage of my life to the next. For the first time since I was four years old, I'm not a student. My days are no longer measured in quarters, semesters, and summer vacations. I have no reason to depend on my parents, though they don't mind helping me in the least.

It's not been an easy transition. I'll be honest. I miss college--not the deadlines, of course, but the community. I lived with my friends. I went to class with my friends. As someone who has traveled long distances, and left friends on the other side, I know that they can cause divisions to the closest of friendships. I don't get to see people as much anymore, plain and simple. Some friends, like me, have stayed in Grand Rapids. Others have moved on. Either way, our new lives separate us. It's been a heart-wrenching experience: I am so proud of all of us for getting this far, for following dreams and facing harsh realities. But I'm also sad, in my selfish way, to see them go on to better things.

So I'm progressing.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Discipline of Rest

Life has been insane of late, an excuse that has served me well for a long time. After all, when are we not busy? I struggle to remember a day that I spent in true rest, without anything "productive" to focus my hours. Without cleaning. Without exercising. Without reading an "intelligent" book. Without writing. Just resting, in the knowledge that it is acceptable to just sit and breathe.


For the Festival, I was honored to host Carey Wallace, author of The Blind Contessa's New Machine (which I highly recommend). For her first session at the Festival, she discussed the Discipline of Rest. Humorously, I was too busy to contemplate the possibility of that concept being oxymoronic in any way. I nervously introduced her and took my seat in the front row.


I don't know what I expected; I rarely do. But I didn't expect a challenge of my way of life. In fact, I hadn't really considered how busyness is my way of life. Yes, I complain about the insanity and yearn for the inanity. Yes, I stretch myself thin. I am (for the time being) a full-time student, a part-time worker, a writer, a job hunter, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a believer, and a human being. Not necessarily in that order, of course, but you catch my drift. There is never a moment that I don't feel obligated to fill one of those roles. To be less active would to deny myself part of my identity.


But is that really the case? Are we really meant to be busy all the time?


Samuel Johnson writes, "It may be laid down as a Position which will seldom deceive, that when a Man cannot bear his own Company there is something wrong. He must fly from himself, either because he feels a Tediousness in Life from the Equipoise of an empty Mind, which, having no Tendency to one Motion more than another but as it is impelled by some external Power, must always have recourse to foreign Objects; or he must be afraid of the Intrusion of some unpleasing Ideas, and, perhaps, is always struggling to escape from the Remembrance of a Loss, the Fear of a Calamity, or some other Thought of greater Horror," (Rambler No. 5). 


I read Rambler No. 5 soon after the Festival, and right before a period of great anxiety and stress. This low point forced me to look at my life squarely and honestly. There was no way to squirm out of it, because I already felt terrible. There was no possible way I could feel worse, (Dear Lord: That was not a challenge. I repeat, not a challenge) so introspection didn't particularly frighten me. So I started asking myself questions.


What is it in my life that drives me to be productive even when it isn't required? Is it because there is some "Tediousness" or smallness in my life? Or is it because I'm trying to run from "unpleasing Ideas?"


I wrote this:
"When did my selfish nature decide on deprivation of pleasure? When did adding, rather than removing, burdens become a point of pride? Is my life so empty that it requires such depressing and oppressing adornments?" 


High self esteem and self worth, while encouraged by modern culture, isn't supposed to be the priority of a believer. After all, as sinners, our worth is decidedly low, hence the overwhelming gratitude with which we should receive grace. On my own, I am not worth anything, and intuitively, I know that. I seek to prove to God, to myself, to my friends, to my family, to the entire world that I am worth their time, effort, and love. And that is why I try so hard and stretch myself so thin. To prove something.


But God does love us, deeply, purely, and perfectly. And, by choosing to love us, He gives us freedom from that constant need for proof. We, and I heartily include myself in this, need to take that freedom. When we do that, we can practice the discipline of rest without fear or misplaced guilt. 


Now, it will be interesting to see if I can put that into practice right before finals for my last semester of college...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Meta-Phor-Us

Every Tuesday night, a small group of literary folk gather together, break bread, and discuss the deep questions of writing, literature, and everything. (Hint: The answers are never 42. In fact, if you have any answers, let us know. We never seem to find any.)

Recently, we addressed the topic of metaphor. Metaphors are embedded (ha! another metaphor!) in our language. Life is a journey. Love is a journey. An argument is war. An illness is war. We have given metaphorical form and concreteness to abstract concepts and, in doing so, we have shaped the way we think. To demonstrate how this works, we were tasked with the idea of creating new metaphors, and then create sayings or idioms for that metaphor.

*Silence* Say what?

My partner and I sat in bewilderment for a time, as did the rest of the class. Half-sentences filled the air: "What if...? No, that won't work." "How about...? Wait, that's the same thing..."

Sometimes, I get inspired. And I came up with a metaphor. LIFE, I proclaimed grandly (or would have, if my thought process was in any way linear), IS LIKE A CD.

Bear with me.

How CD's are a metaphor for life:
1. You're getting played. (Okay, so I appropriated that idea.)
2. He/she isn't even a chorus (in your love song).
3. You are the lead singer of your own life.
4. One day, you'll find your perfect duet. (We all retched a bit at that one. Sorry.)
5. Your life is a concept album.
AND...*drumroll*
6. Live a life worth pirating.

Another proposed metaphor I enjoyed was: Life is a Book. Yes, that one's already sort of a metaphor (a new chapter in our lives, reading body language, etc.), but they had fresh sentences, ones that made me pause and think for a moment.
1. We are edited by experience.
2. We feel valued when we are being read.


Even though it was a difficult exercise, it was exciting. We were thinking about life from a whole new perspective. We were reshaping our worldview with just a tweak of language.

And people say English classes have no value. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Another Late Holiday Post

In the spirit of my holiday procrastination (see my Valentine's Day post), I'm going to write about St. Patrick's Day. For those of you concerned with the purity of my intentions, yes, I am actually Irish-American.

My maternal grandmother, an Irish Catholic New Englander, was the keeper of the Irish traditions in our house. She lived with us until I was eight, so she was a significant part of my formative years. Sadly, she passed away five years ago. But this year, since I got to spend spring break (and thus, March 17) with my parents, I suggested we celebrate St. Patrick's Day the way we used to. As with all good traditions, the celebration of our Irish-American heritage means food.

So for dinner, we had corned beef and cabbage (with carrots and, yes, potatoes) and an old family recipe: Great Grandmother Monaghan's Soda Bread, which is made like so:

Ingredients:
3 cups flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
3 Tbsp caraway seeds
2 heaping tsp baking powder
1/2 package raisins
1 stick of butter (softened)
1 cup milk


My mother took my documentation with condescending equanimity.
1. Mix the first five ingredients and cut in the butter.
2. Add raisins and milk.

The dough is supposed to be dry, a little more biscuit-like than bread-like.
3. Bake in a greased pie plate at 350 for 1 hour (though my mom suggests checking after 45 minutes).

Delicious!
 4. The bread is dry, so slather a slice with butter, and enjoy!

My grandmother traditionally made two loaves: one for St. Patrick's Day, and then she'd put one in the freezer for Easter. So tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be making some of my own and carry on that tradition.

Note: The point of Irish soda bread is that it's easy and cheap to make--the caraway seeds and raisins were actually considered "posh" additions, so you don't really have to add them. Since I'm not a big raisin fan, I'm going to try and make my loaf without them, but the caraway seeds made a big difference in flavor, so I say they're worth it.

A tasty bit of family tradition.

Book Review

This year, Calvin College will be playing host to hundreds of book nerds for the Festival of Faith and Writing 2012. I am rather excited (and already enjoying a little pre-stress stress), as the Festival will play bookends to my literary career at Calvin. For my DCM (Developing a Christian Mind) January class required by Calvin, I took the Festival of Faith and Writing class with Professor Debra Rienstra, a lovely woman.

It opened my eyes. Now, I was already considering an English major at that point. Because, you know, I love books and stuff. Somehow that revelation took a while to sink in. Anyhow, Professor Rienstra's class quashed any doubts I could've had left at that point. For the first time, I was taking part in a conversation about faith and literature, and censorship was considered part of the problem, not the solution.

It's kind of scary now to think about how mind blowing these conversations were. But I digress.

So the FFW DCM was my introduction to the philosophy of the Calvin College English Department. And now, as a senior, I am a member of the FFW student committee. I will be hosting two authors: Carey Wallace, author of The Blind Contessa's New Machine, a historical fiction novel about the invention of one of the earliest typewriters; and Tony Earley, author of Jim the Boy, set in Depression-era North Carolina.

To give you a taste of the Festival, I present my review of Jim the Boy, written for my Senior Seminar class.

For this edition of Alicia Reads Books, I chose Jim the Boy, a young adult novel by Tony Earley. I have picked up YA novels only recently, (Harry Potter, His Dark Materials, and, sadly, Twilight excepted), so my familiarity with the genre is limited. In my defense, Young Adult fiction as its own category is a new concept. Writing and marketing books specifically for the nebulous tween/teen age group is in its infancy. It has exploded into sub-categories, notably including “Paranormal Romance,” “Supernatural Thrillers,” and “Edgy Stories.” Judging by the YA bestsellers, thrilling, highly dramatized narratives are the most popular, ranging in subjects from vampire-filled high schools to the precocious conniving of the titular Pretty Little Liars. While some of these books merit their popularity with interesting concepts like a post-apocalyptic, gladiator-like Arena or an adolescent criminal mastermind who turns to magic to meet his ends, others rely on pure scandal, intrigue, or whatever passes for “edginess.” But with Jim the Boy, Earley does something completely different, harkening back to older qualities of YA fiction like Charlotte’s Web or The Bridge to Terabithia. Jim the Boy is a moment of tranquility amongst a multitude of Picaresque narratives, and well worth the time of readers of all ages.

Earley was raised in North Carolina, and like his debut book, a collection of short stories, Jim the Boy is set there. Jim Glass, a ten-year-old boy, lives in the fictional, rather sleepy town of Aliceville, North Carolina. It is 1934, and the United States was in the Depression. Having lived in the South myself, I was interested to see how the environment inspired Earley’s narrative. As it’s novel set not only in the rural, post-bellum South but also during the Depression, I expected Jim the Boy to be marked by great sadness and tragedy, the usual sort of bildungsroman material. But what I found was something else entirely.


Jim’s great tragedy happens long before the book begins; in fact, it happens before he is even born. His father, also named Jim Glass, dies of a heart condition while working in the fields, leaving his mother to give birth to and raise Jim as a single mother. But she isn’t entirely alone: her three brothers Zeno, Coran, and Al live in houses nearby. They not only financially support her and Jim, but they also jointly take on the role of Jim’s father. It is an unconventional family, but a warm and loving one; Jim never wants for love, support, and, markedly, moral education.

The book begins with Jim’s tenth birthday. He decides that he wants to work in the cornfields with his uncles and the farmhands. When Jim accidently cuts a stalk of corn, he buries it in hopes of hiding his mistake. His uncle Zeno discovers the cover up, and confronts his nephew. Jim feigns ignorance, but his uncle isn’t fooled. There is no punishment, just a simple lesson. “’Jim, this was a mistake until you tried to hide it,” he said. “But when you tried to hide it, you made it a lie’” (22). Jim, who loves and looks up to his uncles, is overcome with guilt. It is a simple lesson, one that all children learn, and Earley’s Uncle Zeno handles it with the grace of a loving parent. These small lessons continue through the book; instead of big mistakes and even bigger consequences, Jim’s growth as a character is slow and steady, much the same as any real ten-year-old.

This lack of high drama is the narrative’s greatest strength. Earley replaces the usual YA drama with clean, simple prose. One of the pivotal scenes in the novel, when Jim leaves Aliceville for the first time with Uncle Al to buy new horses for the farm, is treated with straightforward language that only enhances its beauty. That beauty is so striking, in fact, that I can’t help but quote the scene in its entirety:
“Two thoughts came to Jim at once, joined by a thread of amazement: he thought, People live here, and he thought, They don’t know who I am. At that moment, the world opened up around Jim like hands that, until that moment, had been cupped around him; he felt very small, almost invisible, in the open air of their center, but knew that the hands would not let him go,” (53).
This narrative voice makes reading Jim the Boy like taking a breath of fresh air. It is completely uncomplicated by any sort of affectation. As I read, the words and the pages seemed to slip away, and I finished large portions without realizing how much I had absorbed. It mirrored my experience reading two other Festival writers, Marilynne Robinson and Gary Schmidt. 

However, I found that the expectations I brought to the narrative, fed by current fads in Young Adult fiction and a quick read of the potentially bleak synopsis, nearly ruined my experience. I found myself waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I held my breath for the big adventure, for something big to throw the quiet story upside-down. For the first half of the book, I kept putting it down, unable to explain my vague sense of dissatisfaction. But then I realized: that was it. And I finally exhaled.

I do not usually “go” for the quiet books. While I enjoy the clean prose of Marilyn Robinson’s Gilead or the understated sadness of Gary Schmidt’s Okay for Now, I read those books only within the past three years. I still have yet to get used to the idea of a narrative that is more of a steady heartbeat than a shock of adrenaline. My first instinct is to expect the unexpected, to be on the edge of my seat (or rather, the page) until the author delivers the great twist or the epic battle. I have to fight that first instinct. For Jim, it took longer than usual, because everything, at least superficially, points to great drama. Hence my being halfway through the narrative before I finally realized that Earley was not going to surprise me with a gimmick.

Once I had gotten past my own presuppositions, I enjoyed the novel immensely. I could share in Jim’s jealousies and fears, because they are what all children experience in some fashion: the shame of being caught in a lie, the desire to look cool, and the realization that the world is a big place. I could understand the heartbreaking decision of Jim’s mother not to remarry, because her abiding love for the husband taken too soon is the simple, deep emotion I see in the relationships of people around me. The love and humor of Jim’s uncles reminded me of my own family, of that camaraderie that only comes from the close ties of love and blood. Earley didn’t need any dramatics to sell his plot: his simple, everyday characters did that for him.

Even though Jim the Boy is technically Young Adult, it is one I would recommend to those above that age group as well. I do not lightly name it “Gilead for Young Adults.” For too long, authors pandering to fads and theatrics have ruled that genre, creating an imbalance in selection, but simplicity and contentment have not been lost. Jim the Boy, like The Wednesday Wars or Charlotte’s Web, brings the beauty of quiet stories back, and deserves to be on anyone’s reading list.
            

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Observations from an Airborne Tube of Toothpaste

I settled my elbow on the strangely soft plastic of the armrest, pressing the heel of my palm into my jaw. I then spent the first few minutes of my pre-takeoff zoning trying to configure myself into a more optimal daydreaming pose. As it was an airplane, whose necessarily close quarters reminded me of the innards of a tube of toothpaste, I was unsuccessful.

The man across the aisle grumbled about the airline, most notably the lack of overhead compartments for us, the back row. I would have pitied him had he not had an empty seat next to him, the oft-heard of but rarely seen jackpot air bubble of the mile-high traveler. He feebly tried to make it look like he was trying to put his carry-on underneath his bonus legroom. With my negligible talents of depth perception and volume estimation, I wasn't fooled by his failure.

For my part, I was just happy to be there. My bad travel juju, karma, luck, whatever superstition have you, had continued to feed the whirlpool of anxiety with block letters: DELAYED. It took the goodwill of three United/Continental employees--Craig, Stephen, and Maria, to piece together a new flight plan that would put my comfortably-shod feet on the affordable carpet of RDU.

I had found my most-optimal-but-not-quite-there etude, and I stared, my eyes more glassy than the plexiglass paned oval that served as my headrest. The sun set, bleeding the clouds pink. It reminded my out of it self that haste makes waste when it comes to a load of whites. There had been a brief mention of a thunderstorm, but since it had been brought up during the pre-flight safety spiel, I had ignored it.

That is, until a brief flash of focus caught a wink from Mother Nature.

Act I:
Forks of lightning prodded the swirl of purple clouds, looking for an escape route. As the plane engine (somewhere in the vicinity of my left ear) or the altitude had drowned the accompany grumbles of thunder, I could watch the spectacle without fear. Slowly, we passed the sparks of the approaching tempest.

Act II:
The cabin lights came on. ORD was near. Beneath the plane, the terra firma had taken up the entertainment for our descent. Fog was rolling off Lake Michigan. Having consumed Navy Pier, its greedy fingers crawled to the Willis Tower and its antenna beacon. Beyond, the city was alight in a messy grid and blood vessel highways. The headlight veins, still so small, approached while taillight arteries darted away.

Act III:
The landing gear whined over the runways of ORD. A technicolor light show of red, blue, green, and orange spoke in a code for which I had no key. They welcomed us to the tarmac, guiding us to Terminal F in their cryptic manner.

Finis.

And then the show was over. There was no applause--it's passe now. Instead, we picked up our baggage and squeezed out of the tube, efficiently dispersing. Our time as an audience was over. After all, you can't put toothpaste back in the tube.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Amateur Domesticity

At this time last year, or perhaps even this time last week, a Friday night alone would have resulted in wallowing. I would have fallen into the Slough of Despair, which is only deepened by my taste for melancholy music. Or perhaps into the Mire of the Internets, aided and abetted by StumbleUpon and my penchant for mindless self-distraction. It was a close call. I was listening to Christina Perri on YouTube and clicking "Stumble" to my own discontent.

And then I snapped. It was just a little snap, like a hair tie on the skin. I decided to "do" something. I got out of bed, put in my Sense and Sensibility DVD, and, had I been wearing long sleeves, I would have rolled them up. It has been some hours since my underwhelming snap. My activities are thus: I have transcribed the 300 words I wrote today. I have made (and eaten) Swedish pancakes. I frosted a cake. I have a loaf of bread baking in the oven. I wrote my dear friend Sanna a letter. I am currently writing a blog and watching Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking a cup of tea. I have painted my toenails. Perhaps I will do some yoga and some more writing before bed.

I feel, if I dare say, very proud of myself. I have so far avoided the needless tears and self-pity that does nothing to console me. I have balanced productivity and relaxation. Hopefully, tomorrow morning I will be recharged for my morning run and another day of pleasant inanity. I am, therefore, content. However, I find myself craving a cute apron, an adorable tea set, and a kitten.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Just a Thought


The only time I dislike being short is when I feel that it helps the snobs look down on me...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My Poetry (Not as pretentious as it sounds...)

I mentioned in my last post that my poetry is either humorous or wallowing in self-pity, -loathing, -whatever. It was my way of showing how amazing Hope's ability to maintain stability, clarity, and insight in her work really is. And it is amazing.

My poetry rarely sees the light of day. And this is a good thing. But, because I celebrated Pancake Day today (a day late, I know), I'm feeling a little nostalgic for York. Whilst I was a student at York St John's, I took a creative writing class. It was an amazing experience, except that I had to write poetry. Now, my sestina wasn't horrific, but that had rules to cage the raging beast that is my wackiness. I thought I was out of danger. But then our tutor had us write another one, inspired by one of the pictures he put up on the projector. The one I chose was something akin to this:

Thanks to greatbendks.net


And this is what I got:

Karma in Iowa
The wire’s rusted, ugly in its decomposing utility.
It runs through splintered posts,
Dyed the same rust by the sun, bringing
Another day of slow death by oxidation-
The addition that leads to subtraction.
It only makes sense in chemistry.
I think it’s effing weird.
That red color is too, like the wire
Is some messy axe-murderer.
(Which may explain the yellow-bleached grass.
But their screams have faded,
Not even a survivor to break
The godforsaken silence.)
That stupid wire, mocking me.
Just because it is, for now,
The tallest thing until the closest cow.
That one, right over there,
Yeah, that one, the one that just got tipped.
His Hindu Holiness probably laughing
About effing karma and shit.
Never piss on an electric fence.

Note that I tried to start in all seriousness, throwing in words like "decomposing" and "oxidation" like I was so cool. But then it all went horribly, horribly wrong. But I was (and still am) so perversely proud of this poem that I submitted it as part of my final portfolio for the class. Perhaps I was emboldened by the lack of effect the grade would have on my Calvin GPA. Perhaps, after a semester of living next door to hard-core partiers, my sleep-deprived brain finally snapped into complete madness. 

Sonnets

Last week and a bit was Valentine's Day/Single Awareness Day/GPS Day. Now that you've gotten all of the chocolate out of your system, I'm about to revisit the topic. But in a good, literary way! Now, if you're vaguely familiar with sonnets, you'll understand that the majority of them are about being in love, comparing girls to a summer's day, not admitting impediment to the marriage of two minds, etc. etc. For my cynical part, my favorite has to be Shakespeare's 130th sonnet:


My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks; 
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
   And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
   As any she belied with false compare. 


Who can resist a man who somehow makes reeking breath and wiry hair romantic?


But what about not being in love? Where's the poetry for the single-ized that doesn't send the reader into a downward spiral of woe, into the depths of despair and ice cream? I would try, I really would, but my poetry can only either be super-emo or humorous; I just can't take myself seriously enough to trust my creative endeavors outside of prose.


Thankfully, I live with someone who manages emotional stability even while writing poetry about not being in love. These sonnets are taken from a sequence written by my roommate Hope for a British Literature class, and she's gracefully allowed me to share them with you. If you exist.




1.
I question myself closely: can you prove
that I must only speak of hearts I’ve earned
or is it possible, from stories learned,
to drop my pen to page and practice love,
a specter to receive it? I will vow
that, though romance breathes not so dizzy here,
yet I have breath of love within, and dear
would expel it. For little exists now
when I compare to what I build inside
my heady heart; all ether-real; wonder
that joy would be as a pulling under.
I know the air of love: will say I’ve lied –
alone, to tell of coupling and hearts
ablaze – or will allow these gentle arts?

2.
To claim possession o’er the multitude
complexities love brings, I would not dare;
I feast on worry as it were a food
though living free of all romantic care.
To add – no, multiply consumption by
four-chambered hearts divided by our fate
or own cruel dismissal! Or will my
strange hunger turn to what I cannot sate?
Oh weary mouth, small fraction of the whole,
preparing morsels pal’table and sweet
for other’s ears. An exponential need
for their approving murmurs tears my soul
without a one who stands superior.
Care great enough, I would not ask for more.

3.
Into the woods I wander slow but fast
my blood is thumping: will there be here found
a mossy secret whispered ‘long the ground
or myriads of mem’ries e’en the past
may not recall? Leaves: yellow-green, half-mast
to hide from wind, in stillness all unwound.
With glor’ious light, the forest’s head is crowned.
and I remain, of all its creatures, last
but happiest. Sir Petrarch would no doubt
fault find, deer lacking, with this place of peace
and puzzle how I tarried there without
I find myself immersed. Look to the east,
dear Frank, if listing yet for beauty true.
Your romance nothing has to morning new.
  
4.
Though not to say that I despise the tales
they spin for me; the fabric soft and fine
and crafted carefully, opaque as veils,
material caressing. T’would be mine
so easily, all shimmering with hope:
“Oh, you were made as half and pair, and soon
completion will arrive. But meanwhile, cope
by waiting patiently,” their cheery tune.
I will not wear, nor put to use such clothes
as if my solitary state gave shame.
My future being, my God only knows,
as one of two or just more of the same.
I wait not; instead content will I live:
much more than dreaming has my mind to give.

Sonnet 4 is my personal favorite. 

I have often felt that my art is dependent upon my emotions; the deeper and darker I wallow, the better. After all, no one really talks about a well-adjusted artist. And my reading list for English classes has never been the picture of emotional health. The dark emotions seem to be equated with "serious" literature. It's a running joke that a Holocaust movie is guaranteed an Oscar. But contentment and humor are just as real as loneliness and inadequacy. And, sorry emos, it can still produce art of just as much beauty and complexity as sadness.